another reason to come back.

I just left part of my heart here in Almhult.
aaahhh her eyes, her smile, and her wavy-heaven-like hair.
the most beautiful and the sweetest cashier i've ever met.
and it's just that, nothing more.
but i left part of my heart here in Almhult.

to establish ties.

it was simple yet complicated.

makes me happy and sad,
confused and enlightened.

wandering and wondering,
the hopeful feelings and the helpless thoughts.

It has done me good.

10/10

Pages

"So what happened?"
 "i thought that i could wait for her to be on the same page.
but as a matter of fact, we're not even in the same book!"

"..."

if only.

relapsing is easy.

"Up till now, I never know whether when you're serious or not."

"..."


the question is,
How much are you willing to try?

seven years after that september.

R:
"and the second question is,
if right now i am close with someone else,
will you still be my friend?"

F:
"sure, why not?"

the answer came out that easily,
instantly shut the mind down,
left the heart to deal with the upcoming hours,
until the moment it wanted to call her.

------

"what are you doing?"

"i need to call her!"

"and then what you will say to her?"

"to tell her, that after that night, i feel strange."

"strange?"

"there's some unusual but familiar feeling...
it feels like something is missing,
i don't know why, or what, i really don't know... 
i feel blank. like a blinking cursor waiting for input.
...
but i do know mostly it's about who... it's her!
clearly she is the one that i'm missing.
that's why i want to call her now. to ask her!"

"ask her what?"

"ask her what to do with this feeling,
maybe she's got an answer!"

"I'm pretty sure she wont have the answer you need,
you'll just make a nuisance of yourself,
then it wont be fair to her."

"but is it fair to me? to us?"

"what do you think?"

"it's not!
i feel that we're there for her when she need us.
but not the other way around.
there are times when i want to speak, or be with her,
it didn't happen."

"is it her fault?"

"no,
it's yours actually ...
every time i want to tell her that i need to see her or talk with her,
you keep telling me not to, bottled up until it's too late."

"we're just doing our best to be what she need at that time: a friend.
someone to listen, when she need to tell something,
someone to give opinion, when she need one.
i don't know why she choose us,
but wild guess it's because her other friends is not available.
so we're replaceable, i hope you're aware of that!"

"of course!
you remind me over and over
and over and over again,
and that's why where we are now,
not a single friend around to ask, to share!
everyone is a stranger to us, that's what you've said!"

"..."

"don't you feel tired of this situation?
no one to talk to every time we need to,
just hoping that it all will go away.. 
lost in space, lost in time.
sometimes we do really need someone!"

"i am tired.
but that's what we've doing these last few years,
and we're good at it."

"..."

"then why her? why it has to be her?"

"remember the walls that we've built in the past years?
she's almost tear most of them down ...
... ever since that day ..."

"... that afternoon?"

"yes, that afternoon when she suddenly hugged us,
with no clear reason why, she just hugged us.
and now she's just a few steps from the gates,
and the last few doors..."

"..."

"and now she's with other, or so it seems,
i'm afraid we've missed our window,
can we just tell her about how i feel,
just so she knows?
... please, i beg you ...
we're gonna lose her!"

"it's not like we never said anything about it either.
and i'm not saying that we shouldn't,
but we can't make her feel something she won't.
let her enjoy her time now...
i really hate seeing you like this (again),
but we just need to be patient and let it be for now,"

"... let it be, then let go? even though it hurts?
be stoical? do you really mean that?"

"i'm gonna give you the same answer
as what we gave to her first question that night."

"..."

"yes!"

------

don't be afraid of losing people,
be afraid of losing yourself.